Friday, July 18, 2014

When buses had sex

Once upon a time, when we were all relatively poor, when you had to brave the elements to even get to the toilet, when the daily newspaper could end up in small squares on a piece of string on the wall, when we didn't have cars and traveled by shank's mare or bus, and when double decker buses didn't have rear doors, there was this bus queue outside Clery's across from the Pillar.

At the end of what was a fairly long queue was this typical Dubliner.

He was resigned to a fairly long wait, but consoled himself from time to time as the next bus came along and he moved slowly up the queue.

Each time a bus pulled up, his heart rose, but fell again when it became clear the bus was nearly full and took on only a few passengers, the conductors arm cutting off access with the familiar refrain “Bus full, another car coming along behind”.

However, he finally reached what he thought was as near the top of the queue as was needed to be taken on by the next bus.

When it came, he moved up slowly, counting the diminishing few people in front of him until it was his turn to mount the bus.

But no. The conductors arm came down in front of him with the by now annoyingly familiar refrain: “Bus full, another car coming along behind”.

After his long wait and rising hopes, this was just too much.

“Tell me” says he to the conductor “this next bus, will it be a male or a female bus?"

The conductor, when he got over his puzzlement was not amused.

“Step back now, there'll be another car along in a minute”

“Yes, but tell me, will it be a male or a female bus?”

This goes on for a few more rounds and finally the conductor asks, in exasperation: “What do you mean by that? All the buses are the same.”

“Well” said our friend “I mean will it have a great big bollix like you at the end of it”.

It has not been recorded what happened next, and now the driver operates the air powered doors and the question is moot.

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